It began with a dead branch.
I kind of hurt my leg stepping over it and my lady friend who was with me teased me about it repeatedly, even after I told her it was a no-go. Overcome with rage, I could barely keep from screaming at her. Later in the month I went into the deepest funk from a disappointing turnout for my band. I briefly thought about killing myself.
I knew these responses were wildly out of line with the actual circumstances. I found out that my troubles stemmed from PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had many of the symptoms that include self-sabotage, medicating, anxiety and depression. When my dad fell down the stairs in front of me and died in 1999, they got worse. I was unable to stick to goals (with some notable exceptions), blew through my inheritance (almost a million dollars), sabotaged and aborted relationships and opportunities with eerie genius, and had 4-alarm fires in my mind every day. I was in debt and lost.
A friend of mine who had been on the brink urged me to get the engine fixed at all costs. I have done so. She got me to go to Onsite, a world-class therapeutic workshop only 30 miles from here. From there I have joined a 12-step group, changed meds, and have seen an amazing trauma therapist, Lee Norton.
Now I am actually not functioning like a crazy person any more. The engine is running well, although it’s not purring yet. There is still some baggage there, although it just might fit in the trunk.
Overall, I am the most excited about my prospects I have ever been– in spite of the fact that I’m 63 and counting my pennies. I believe the Universe, if I am my authentic true self, will listen and reward.
I hope Ass Kicker inspires, resonates and entertains– and finds those who will benefit from it. And that it kicks ass– which to me means going for it, for the right reasons.